on not giving up on myself

i’m not a quitter anymore!

I was at a swim meet with my younger sister on Sunday. We had driven 4 hours to get here in the hopes of her getting a state cut. After the first two events, where she didn’t make the times and swam slower than before, she threw up and starting crying and wanted to quit.

“I’m not gonna get a state cut anyways. What’s the point.

“Valerie, I can’t swim. I don’t want to swim. I’m going to add time. It hurts to swim.”

Many of my arguments with Alex have centered around my wanting to quit something and his thinking I’m giving up too easily. I’ll tell him that writing An essay or going through interviews or reaching out to people is hopeless, and then he’ll say BUT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN ACTUALLY STARTED TRYING YET.

Jan 2021 when I wanted to give up on a self-imposed 72 hour fast after 48 hours: THIS WILL MEAN THAT YOU’LL QUIT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE AT LEAST AS HARD AS THIS TOO, SO YOU’VE GOT TO FINISH WHAT YOU COMMITTED TO.

Feb 2021 when I was working on a project with a friend: YOU’VE GOT TO ACTUALLY COMMIT, VALERIE.

June 2022 when I wanted to stop working on an essay after hitting a hurdle, feeling very discouraged, and wanting to quit: ELON MUSK WOULD FINISH IT. ELON WOULD KEEP GOING. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN ACTUALLY TRIED OVERCOMING THE HURDLE YET.

Anyways, it suffices to say that when Valencia wanted to quit, I resonated a lot with Alex. It hurts to see people quit because they’re afraid to try, especially when your own personal standard is not perfection but completion.

Across the past few years, I’ve changed the game I’m playing away from awards and success to something much harder for myself personally— the game of survival. Showing up for myself again and again after I’ve already fucked up. Still trying for my goals even when things are painful and really rough and I’m not completely sure if I can do it. Continuing when my answer to Alex’s question of ARE YOU GIVING UP TOO EARLY is secretly a yes.