Self-hate Your Way to Success!

That's how the sexy people do it

Here’s a common life philosophy: bully yourself into change, and reap the fruits of your harvest. Start with calling yourself names — dumbass, idiot, lazy — and use higher powered tools — shame, jealousy, and guilt — when that doesn’t work.

Shame. Third grade on the bus back home. I wear shorts for the first time. Two of the girls I ride the bus whisper to each other about my being fat, and my cheeks burn. Later in the spring, our gym teacher talks about a presidential fitness award if you score in the top 15% of your age group for all five exercises they test. I ask my mom to take me to my elementary school in the evenings so I can practice, and I keep running miles until my time drops.

I end up getting the presidential fitness award, and the two other girls don’t, but no matter. They still thought my mile time was slow.

Jealousy. She is much, much better than you at math, and she gets all the rewards. You go from being a best girl on the team and a solid competition math teammate to the second best girl on the team. You don’t want to hang out with her anyways, you say to yourself. She isn’t very nice to you, and you conveniently gloss over the fact that you’re probably not very nice to her.