Here’s a progression of my emotional states from good to bad:
Thanks to London Lowmanstone for describing my emotions that way!
Happy is my most preferred, but other states are also manageable. If I’m agitated or sad or upset or even overwhelmed, I have the capacity to bring myself back down to less irritable states. But once I get so overwhelmed that I started hitting the emotionally freaked out state, I’ve hit the point of no return. Everything has gone to complete shit, and I won’t be able to stop myself from completely shutting down.
These days, here’s why I try to not hit the point where everything goes to shit: it is much easier for me to take care of myself by making sure I never hit rock bottom in the first place, rather than hitting rock bottom and trying to fix myself when I feel completely hopeless and miserable.
A few ideas for how to avoid the complete-shit-zone:
Take Time to Intentionally Chill
My friend Lucy Liang recently suggested to me that I take time to relax and intentionally chill out. Countless people have suggested this to me before, but I could never get myself to do it. Some part of myself could deeply questioned the point of relaxation: why bother relaxing when I’ll never feel relaxed anyways?
Lucy, however, managed to explain her motivation for setting aside time to chill out in a way that actually made sense to me. Relaxing helps her remember the difference between being chill and being worked up feels like, so she can catch herself earlier when she’s getting worked up. In this way, the stakes of the situation are lowered. I don’t need to relax completely, I just need to remember that there are different ways to exist than being completely neurotic.
The value of relaxing — eating dinner with friends and arguing about niche internet microcelebrities, going to events when there are only ten people because I can’t stand more than that, forcing myself to go outside because apparently I’m not a robot— extends beyond the outcome of the event itself. The intention behind the experience matters just as much as the experience itself. My intentions to myself matter, even when I can’t see the effects right away, and that’s why I try to make time to chill the fuck out (but in a semi-intense way, because I am not chill).
2. Make a List of All The Things that Make You Calm and Happy and Keep Doing Them
It took me a while to realize, but apparently you can get happier by… doing things that make you happy? And as a corollary, you can avoid hitting complete rock bottom by doing things that keep you far from rock bottom? I am writing these statements as questions even though I want to be assertive, but I can’t because they are so simple that they become complex.
Here’s an informal list that I try to do at least once a month (intentionally selected to be a bit out there, so you can see examples that don’t seem like “normal” self-care):
Journaling like a madman and writing down all my thoughts until my mind slows down
Meditating once a week at a group because I find it difficult to commit to more
Going on an exercise bike while texting or calling my friends
Buying a bag of chips and putting it in my big coat pocket, and then when I eat them it seems like I’m eating chips out of my pocket
Writing Substack posts while tipsy
Placing holds on 15+ books from the library
Being very generous to my friends
3. Accept That Just Because You Have an Addiction to Things Feeling Like Complete Shit Doesn’t Mean You Have To Let Yourself Hit Rock Bottom All The Goddamn Time
The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one.
I have a condition that it’s time for me to admit. I am an adrenaline junkie and secretly love feeling miserable sometimes. Sometimes I might tell you otherwise by saying I want to be retired and live at the beach, but that’s not the complete truth.
There’s a deep aliveness to feeling life as intensely as possible, even if that means misery at points. Across the course of my life, I’d love to feel more joy and calm but not if that comes at the expense of intensity.
I often want to cut the magnitude of my emotions down drastically, but there are also moments when I step back and remember that feeling the full throes of life is a gift in itself. I’m starting to discovering that living life to its fullest does not mean feeling happy all the time, even though I often wished it did.
AND, AND, AND that still doesn’t mean I should be seeking out rock bottom for the sake of rock bottom! Knowing me, chaos and shenanigans will come find me even when I’m trying to be calm, so I don’t have to willingly seek it out anymore. Will I probably continue to do so? Absolutely.
But will I also give myself a lot more grace and acceptance, so that I can approach my neuroticism with more kindness and awareness? Absolutely.
Would love to hear how you emotionally self-regulate/ manage your happiness levels!
"There’s a deep aliveness to feeling life as intensely as possible, even if that means misery at points. Across the course of my life, I’d love to feel more joy and calm but not if that comes at the expense of intensity."
Acceleration > Velocity. Going from 0 to 60 in a really fast car is completely different than cruising in an airplane at 560 mph. Those activities that make you feel great, shitty, whatever... are the things you put effort into and then fail or succeed or kinda succeed or whatever. But the effort->result-> growth is the acceleration part. Velocity is just siting around repeatedly doing things you're already good at. joy and calm come at the lulls between the cycles of the other things if you don't overschedule and give yourself recovery.