Third Options for Asian Americans

let's talk about family

This past week on Twitter, Sari Azout was offering five grants to write about whatever you wanted. I was going to apply, but the form closed before I had the chance to write down my thoughts. This Substack post is what I would’ve applied with.

What do you want to write about?

Many of the Asian Americans I know (myself included) have strained relationships with their parents. We usually find ourselves in a brutal dichotomy: either completely disavow our parents and write them off as unilaterally abusive, or grin and bear whatever our parents do, no matter how painful. This dichotomy leads many of us to hate their parents, which is neither normal nor healthy. (Of course, all kids struggle when their desires compete with those of their parents, but I think children of immigrants — Asian or otherwise — face more extreme clashes.) I want to write about options that exist beyond this dichotomy: how can Asian Americans relate to their parents better? How can we respect both themselves and our parents?

Why do you care about it?

Last Thanksgiving, one of my family members kicked me many times after I expressed confusion about my career decisions. That same break, my friend's mom threatened to kill herself after finding out he was dating someone who worked in a factory. Another friend’s parents, worried about her graduate school prospects, pre-emptively called her a failure and trashed her for not publishing two papers in a single semester.

I chose to disavow my family’s ideas, while my friends chose to give into their parents’ norms. Both of these choices are extremely shitty and result in immense pain. Either you give up your own autonomy, or you risk going to war with your family. In my case, the forcefulness I had to express around my family (“no, you CAN’T live my life for me. I’m going to make my own mistakes, and I will leave this family if you won’t let me”) was extremely drastic,  and my friends endure their own mountains of pain (“what the FUCK is wrong with you? How can you be so selfish? You’re not thinking of the family at all?”)

I don’t want our souls to be at war with our families, but I also don’t want us to be under our family’s thumbs forever. And the thing is, although these Thanksgiving stories seem very extreme, they’re not uncommon within Asian American families. I don’t know what the answer is, but I hope we can do better than the status quo.

What will you produce?

I’m still not sure about the exact contents, but I want to write essays about third options that transcend the aforementioned dichotomy. It’s also not clear to me how unique these issues are to Asian Americans. Here are some topics I’d like to explore though:

1. When is saying no to your parents fair, and when is it going too far?

2. What third options exist?

3. How can we forgive our parents while respecting our own autonomy?

4. How can we viscerally feel all that our parents have given and done for us? How do we not take them for granted?

This series on Asian Americans (or maybe it’s about families/relationships in general) is something I’ll be working on for the next while, with or without funding. If you’d like to drop me a tip on Paypal, it would be greatly appreciated. (It would be really cool if I could write in a cafe sipping a coffee bought with internet money.)

Thanks to Nish Sinha and Alex for their input.