WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BIG FAILURE?

BITCH!

YOU ARE SUCH A FAT LAZY BUM! IT MAKES YOU A MONTH TO EVEN BOOK A DENTIST APPOINTMENT SOMETIMES. YOU’RE SUCH A DEPRESSED PIECE OF SHIT, AND IT’S DISGUSTING. YOU GET PARALYZED BY SMALL DECISIONS AND EAT TOO MUCH FOOD. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE FOOD. YOU KEEP EATING WHEN YOU’RE UNHAPPY. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THE NINETIES MODELS WHO SMOKE INSTEAD? AT LEAST THEY’RE THIN! NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T OVEREAT OR LOSE THEIR EXECUTIVE FUNCTION. WHY CAN’T YOU BE NORMAL IF YOU CAN’T BE LINDA EVANGELISTA?

WHY DIDN’T YOU GET A JOB AT JANE STREET OR CITADEL LIKE YOUR CLASSMATES WHO AREN’T FRAUDS LIKE YOU? YOU’RE 23, DAMMIT! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE WASTED ALL YOUR TIME IN COLLEGE ANGSTING AND HAVING FUN AND ANGSTING EVEN MORE. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE A MONTHS LONG. CAREER CRISIS BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD A CAREER? YOU SHOULD’VE JUST PUT YOUR NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE AND WORKED HARDER. NOW YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE ON TRACK TO RETIRE BY AGE THIRTY! ESPECIALLY BECAUSE SOME PART OF YOU WANTS TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL ALL YOUR HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE CLASSMATES WHO ARE STRIVERS? HOW CAN YOU FACE THEM WHEN YOU’RE NOT BRINGING IN AN INCOME AND COASTING OFF ALEX, LET ALONE NOT WORKING AT JANE STREET/MCKINSEY/DE SHAW. WHAT AN ABOMINATION, VALERIE!

YOU’RE SO SCARED ALL THE TIME, AND YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT. AND WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS WITH ALEX, YOU BETTER HOPE THEY DON’T INHERIT YOUR DEFECTIVE GENES. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOUR PROGENY AREN’T CODING GENIUSES? IT’LL BE ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! AND WHAT IF THEY INHERIT YOUR TENDENCY TOWARDS DEPRESSION AND AUTO-IMMUNE DISEASE TOO. THEN THEY’LL BE TRIPLY FUCKED, AND IT’LL SUCK EXTRA BAD FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE ABLE TO EAT LASAGNA OR FRENCH FRIES EVER EITHER, LEST THEY HAVE PAINFUL SKIN CONDITIONS. YOU’RE SO SCREWED!

AND YOU’RE EVEN SMILING IN THIS PHOTO TOO! FAILURES AREN’T ALLOWED TO SMILE. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOUR AND UPSET THAT THEY’RE NOT SUCCESSFUL AND FAMOUS. GOD, VALERIE, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE NOT SOME BADASS WOMAN IN FINANCE OR SOME STARTUP FOUNDER WHO ALREADY EXITED. I CAN’T ACCEPT YOU, YOU FUCKING FAILURE!

I am constantly berating myself, and my inner dialogues are both cruel and quite funny. It helps me when I take a step back and actually listen to the criticism. Sometimes I burst out laughing. And don’t worry, my caps lock posts aren’t frequent occurrences! More serious shit to come.