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Armstrong Olusoji's avatar

As a 27 year old who peaked at 12, I feel seen. I too loathed myself for my inability to reach former lows.

The self bullying was a way to convince myself that I was doing something about my situation. I felt like a fool without it. Like "all your dreams are slipping away, you don't have time to be kind to yourself".

And the worst effect of this sort of self talk is that it is incredibly hard to be kind to other people when you are mean to yourself. I realized that the way I treated myself was influencing the way I treated others. That was when I decided to begin to change.

I still fall into old patterns sometimes. But I am quicker to snap out of it now. Glad to know I am not alone. I will follow your blog as much as I can my friend.

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Kasra's avatar

I really enjoyed this. I reaaaally resonate with the whole sequence of events here – extreme discipline in young age, a period of intense depression/anxiety at the end of college, and then a slow march towards progress in the years since, but admitting that it's still quite hard to be consistent. your point about "cope" was pretty revelatory for me, I appreciate now why people struggle to celebrate small wins. thanks for writing this!

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