As a 27 year old who peaked at 12, I feel seen. I too loathed myself for my inability to reach former lows.
The self bullying was a way to convince myself that I was doing something about my situation. I felt like a fool without it. Like "all your dreams are slipping away, you don't have time to be kind to yourself".
And the worst effect of this sort of self talk is that it is incredibly hard to be kind to other people when you are mean to yourself. I realized that the way I treated myself was influencing the way I treated others. That was when I decided to begin to change.
I still fall into old patterns sometimes. But I am quicker to snap out of it now. Glad to know I am not alone. I will follow your blog as much as I can my friend.
Hello Armstrong! Thank you so much for your comment. It's so thoughtful, and I'm grateful you took the time to write it. You described it perfectly with "The self bullying was a way to convince myself that I was doing something about my situation. I felt like a fool without it. Like "all your dreams are slipping away, you don't have time to be kind to yourself"."
I am glad that you are quicker to snap out of it now. I could probably learn from you there! What would you say are the common causes for you to snap out of it?
I really enjoyed this. I reaaaally resonate with the whole sequence of events here – extreme discipline in young age, a period of intense depression/anxiety at the end of college, and then a slow march towards progress in the years since, but admitting that it's still quite hard to be consistent. your point about "cope" was pretty revelatory for me, I appreciate now why people struggle to celebrate small wins. thanks for writing this!
I'm on a very similar journey, Valerie. The fact that someone has gone through same situation as mine and is doing well helps a ton in terms of inspiration. I have also accepted that small wins are the answer to depression state I'm in for past 2 years. All thanks to the writings of the wonderful Visakan Veerasamy. I have been doing moderately better since then but I still feel far from that big win that would change the game for me.
The fact that all your dreams are slipping away because of this crippling issue adds fuel to the fire and makes me more paranoid. Just write now, I ended up watching youtube music videos instead of doing the task that I was supposed to do and get that win. And I'm feeling that shame and self loathing sneeking in. I'm feeling little hopeless again and there is no one to talk to.
I had read this post a while ago and saved it for inspiration and came across this today accidentally. And I feel better after reading this and I'm attempting my next win right away.
Do share if you have any other advice that has helped you in this journey. Thank you!
> I had delusions of an idyllic disciplined past and would try my best to return there, only to torture myself when I failed.
I've felt the same way surrounding my struggles to build habits.
> Accepting that I’m not my thirteen-year-old self anymore, and that I truly do struggle with self-trust on the productivity front, has been extremely hard but rewarding work.
Acceptance that I can't get back to that past, and snap into that discipline + focus + motivation. And building self-trust not through /forcing better outcomes/, but through that acceptance.
> There is no way “back,” and there is no way “out”. There is only “now”, only “What can I do today?” and “Given my current abilities, not what I used to be able to do, how can I get a small win?” No more “If I work extra hard, I’ll finally be as good as I used to be,” only “every extra weekend I write, or every extra day I meditate, is another reason to trust in myself today.”
As a 27 year old who peaked at 12, I feel seen. I too loathed myself for my inability to reach former lows.
The self bullying was a way to convince myself that I was doing something about my situation. I felt like a fool without it. Like "all your dreams are slipping away, you don't have time to be kind to yourself".
And the worst effect of this sort of self talk is that it is incredibly hard to be kind to other people when you are mean to yourself. I realized that the way I treated myself was influencing the way I treated others. That was when I decided to begin to change.
I still fall into old patterns sometimes. But I am quicker to snap out of it now. Glad to know I am not alone. I will follow your blog as much as I can my friend.
Hello Armstrong! Thank you so much for your comment. It's so thoughtful, and I'm grateful you took the time to write it. You described it perfectly with "The self bullying was a way to convince myself that I was doing something about my situation. I felt like a fool without it. Like "all your dreams are slipping away, you don't have time to be kind to yourself"."
I am glad that you are quicker to snap out of it now. I could probably learn from you there! What would you say are the common causes for you to snap out of it?
I really enjoyed this. I reaaaally resonate with the whole sequence of events here – extreme discipline in young age, a period of intense depression/anxiety at the end of college, and then a slow march towards progress in the years since, but admitting that it's still quite hard to be consistent. your point about "cope" was pretty revelatory for me, I appreciate now why people struggle to celebrate small wins. thanks for writing this!
Thank you so much for your comment! Really means a lot to me that you enjoyed it :)
Inspiring read keep going
Such an insightful & lovely piece!
Just what I wanted to hear🤗
<3 Thanks Arjun!
thank you for sharing this essay.
Hey Treasure! Thanks so much for reading <3
Great piece Valerie ,
Don't underestimate even your tiny influence on other people :)
Thanks Shashank! I am definitely working on it, I can get discouraged pretty easily, but really grateful for comments like yours :)
I liked it.
Thanks for reading!! Really appreciate it :)
I'm on a very similar journey, Valerie. The fact that someone has gone through same situation as mine and is doing well helps a ton in terms of inspiration. I have also accepted that small wins are the answer to depression state I'm in for past 2 years. All thanks to the writings of the wonderful Visakan Veerasamy. I have been doing moderately better since then but I still feel far from that big win that would change the game for me.
The fact that all your dreams are slipping away because of this crippling issue adds fuel to the fire and makes me more paranoid. Just write now, I ended up watching youtube music videos instead of doing the task that I was supposed to do and get that win. And I'm feeling that shame and self loathing sneeking in. I'm feeling little hopeless again and there is no one to talk to.
I had read this post a while ago and saved it for inspiration and came across this today accidentally. And I feel better after reading this and I'm attempting my next win right away.
Do share if you have any other advice that has helped you in this journey. Thank you!
This is beautiful and so relatable. Thank you.
> I had delusions of an idyllic disciplined past and would try my best to return there, only to torture myself when I failed.
I've felt the same way surrounding my struggles to build habits.
> Accepting that I’m not my thirteen-year-old self anymore, and that I truly do struggle with self-trust on the productivity front, has been extremely hard but rewarding work.
Acceptance that I can't get back to that past, and snap into that discipline + focus + motivation. And building self-trust not through /forcing better outcomes/, but through that acceptance.
> There is no way “back,” and there is no way “out”. There is only “now”, only “What can I do today?” and “Given my current abilities, not what I used to be able to do, how can I get a small win?” No more “If I work extra hard, I’ll finally be as good as I used to be,” only “every extra weekend I write, or every extra day I meditate, is another reason to trust in myself today.”
<3 thanks for reminding me of the small wins!!